Poets and Storytellers Posted by Magaly Guerrero
“I would like you to take a poem or story you wrote many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it. Please post both the original and the edited versions.”
En Vogue (rewrite)
I am an origami ostrich
folded, creased, shaped
into a circled silhouette
beside a glass jug of dead twigs
ripped from the tree of life.
A picture symbolic, complicit
in this fiction of fitting in.
Original post: mindlovemisery Photo Challenge #115 prompt by NEKNEERAJ
En Vogue
I am an origami ostrich
folded, bent, creased, shaped
into a pleasing silhouette
arranged like dead twigs
in a glass jug ripped from
the tree of life, complicit
in this fiction of fitting in.
Autumn of the Soul 
Brilliant rewrite, Debi.
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Thank you!
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Hey there Debi, This lovely anyway… I myself thought second version felt tighter and read more smoothly – I myself would have dropped ‘shaped’ down a line – but that’s just me! Maybe try it and see how you feel…
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Thanks Scott, I will.
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“folded, creased,
shaped into a circled silhouette” Like this?
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Actually i luv them both.
Have a good weekend. Thank you for dropping by my blog
much💛love
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You’re welcome Gillena
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Beautiful I love how you refined it
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Thanks
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Fantastic rewrite, Debi. Love the clarity of the images, metaphors, and line breaks. The original is all right, but the new one is wonderful!
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Thanks Magaly. I think it was an improvement also.
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I wouldn’t have found any fault with the original – but oh, the rewrite has lifted it into another class altogether. Restraint is power! And also the more precise choosing of words, the attention to rhythm, the overall tightening…. This is exactly the sort of thing rewrites ought to achieve! I’m taking lessons.
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Thank you, Rosemary, sweet to hear. Thanks for such a helpful critique.
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It’s amazing how the smallest tweaks can really make something come together, sort of the way just the right accent piece can make a nice outfit into an absolute traffic stopper. Really nice changes here.
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Thank you. I really should try to do that to more of my poems. Usually I write and go to the next.
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The rewrite is more powerful for sure. Eliminating the “pleasing” was a good decision 🙂
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Thank you. I hoped so.
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That last line, wowza! I like both versions, each can stand on its own.
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Who really fits in? Better to be a misfit than to be contorted.
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Took me a long time to figure that out, sadly.
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On the surface, it seems little is changed, but the rewrite is easier to read. Also I like that the word “circled” is changed to “pleasing” as if that shape is meant for more people to see. This is not to say the original is not good, far from it. I was already wondering how to improve on it, and there you go! 🙂
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Thanks so much
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A rewrite of an already good poem ~~ well done!!
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In both versions, that imagery of the dead twigs ripped from the tree of life is brilliant. I like the original too….
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Thank you, Rajani
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I really like both versions and the image is awesome!!!!
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I love both versions, Debi. wonderful image to write from.
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